When life changes in a moment

31 years of grief, and counting

The number of photos I have are few, and those I do have are faded.

Just like my memories of you.

Of having you here in our lives.

Sometimes I can't bear the pain of losing you.

Sometimes it feels like you were never here.

So many people have forgotten you, those that do are still grieving too.

You died when we were so young.

I miss you.

[A photo of a young man in Tudor costume at Kentwell Hall smiling wryly at the camera. He's holding a mallet and looks like he's preparing for some reenactment task.]

This young man.

My brother.

Forever 21.

He died in a road traffic accident in 1993 and today it's 31 years since a policeman stood on my parent's doorstep and ruined their lives. 31 years since my parents had to call me in Aberdeen and tell me the news. They actually called my boyfriend first and he came to my flat to be with me that day (I've always been grateful to him, sadly we lost touch. Philip's death changed me).

It was an accident, Philip died instantly they thought. The Land Rover he was a passenger in had no seat belts (built that way and the law didn't force retrofit) and he was thrown out through the passenger door and crushed by the vehicle. The driver and other passenger were thrown the other way and both survived. But I often think of them, they were all at the start of their agricultutal degree, they had their lives ahead of them. Those 2 lads lives will have been marred by my brother's death (we didn't know them, we didn't stay in touch, I have no idea what they were destined to be).

[A black and white photo - taken and developed by the author when she was at 6th form - of a middle aged woman and a teenage boy. The woman is laughing at the boy and the boy is grinning at the photographer.]

Grief affects your whole life. Everyone has to deal with it. We should talk about it more. I wasn't alone I'm sure but I sure felt alone a lot. I didn't know anyone else at that point who'd suffered such loss. I was 24. I have since made friends and met people who have, and it's common to us all that the death of a family member defined us.

I like to think that I've been more resilient, more optimistic and empathetic because this happened. I don't take things for granted and I've appreciated every day that I've had. I also acknowledge that it made me a bit gung-ho when I was younger and I did some foolish things in the belief that I was invincible (after all, who would make my parents suffer like that again?). But on the whole my family and I have lived our lives, carried on, and talked about Philip and reminisced over the years. He would have been proud of us I'm sure.

[A photo of a young man at Niagra Falls smiling broadly into the camera. He's wearing a denim shirt and jeans, and a baseball cap.]