Rediscovered Joy

It took a while, but I've found it

Something significant happened on Friday 30th May 2025. For me at least.

I realised I was content.

[Photo is of a piece of lined paper with the word ‘Content’ written in black pen. The letters ‘tent' are underlined and thers’s a crude line drawing of a tent to the right.]

The potency of feeling joy

Soon after I felt joy. Pure, sharp, joy. For the first time in a very long time.

It took me by surprise. This potent feeling. It was incredible, almost unfamiliar because it's been so long since I've felt it. I haven't been desperately unhappy for the past few years, but I also haven't felt joy.

It was swiftly followed by tears. Of relief. Of more joy.

The best bit was when I questioned why it was happening. I realised that I did this. I made this contentment happen. I enabled the joy.

For the past 2 years I've being dealing with loss; of the life I knew, work I thought was stable, divorce and the death of my beloved granny. It's all felt very heavy, especially as I've needed to support my son, recover from a knee replacement and keep finding work to do alongside my part time role.

I've had help, I'm no martyr, but I haven't had the stability of a partner and I've had to find my own way emotionally, financially and professionally.

Just over a week ago in the daily communal journalling session I love there was a question that gut punched me, 'Where in my life do I tie my worth to what I DO instead of who I AM?'

[Photo is of a cotton bag with the words ‘the right question changes everything’ on it]

I sat and wrote reams about the things in life that I tie my worth to, and I finally worked out why I'd felt so adrift recently on a recent holiday alone. My worth was always tied to work, until I met my husband and it became diluted, and then when my son was born even more so. But on holiday by myself I had no one else to think about and no work to do. It was very unsettling.

[Photo is of the view from my hotel balcony; a terracotta tiled path with low white walls in a garden of palm trees and shrubs. It leads down to the sea in the distance.]

But since my return something has shifted. I feel calmer. And 3 weeks after landing back at Newcastle airport I felt a sense of joy.

I did this. I made it happen. I did it with patience, accepting I needed some down time from work (and having the privilege to do so), and with the realisation that in order to look after myself I had to say no to other things (and more importantly, not worry about what others may think of that).

But there have been some dark times, there may be more to come. I often considered it would be better not to be here, but I didn't act on it because I have so much to stay for.

[Photo is a layout of various photos of things that bring me joy; knitting projects, walking outside, fresh flowers and local places I visit].

What did I do to get my shit together?

I made LOTS of mistakes. Emotionally, finally, professionally. Got down deep into the crap and clawed my way out again. Humility is a wonderful thing.

• Changed my diet completely.

• Bought myself flowers every few weeks.

• Got outside every day.

• Bought a cinema subscription (it’s a good place to completely switch off).

• Learnt to be in the moment, breathe and pause.

• Defined boundaries around interactions with some people (if this has felt rude to anyone, I'm sorry, but it was necessary).

• Moved my body.

• Challenged my mind.

• Asked for help. I've had some therapy, I've been to the doctor (not much help tbh), I've talked to close friends, I've written about what's been happening (sometimes shared publicly, sometimes kept private) and feel lighter for doing so.

• Went on holiday by myself.

• Read a lot of books (audio, ereader and books)

• Sought knowledge, stayed curious.

• Sent cards to friends, knitted socks and shawls for friends.

Accepted myself.

[Photo is of me out for a walk. I’m wearing handknits I made, a blue lace shawl and a turquoise and white hat. In the background are the branches of a tree and grey clouds in a pale blue sky].

In real life vs online

It's important to make the distinction between too much naval gazing (and the time I spend alone makes this easy to do) and remembering to see yourself in the context of the world and other people. I'm blessed to have still have my parents, who I talk to frequently, and I have many friends. I've also been lucky to make many connections and gain support from places like Instagram and LinkedIn. I think the benefit of that online engagement can't be underestimated, but it does have to be managed carefully. I've had the odd engagement which has strayed into territory I've not been comfortable with and where boundaries have been crossed, and my mental health has suffered as a result - as much my fault as theirs.

I’m no self help guru. I feel alone a lot, I've felt isolated. It’s taken effort to pick myself back up and it’s needed support from others. Sometimes it’s needed money and I've had the money. But many of my ‘strategies’ cost little or nothing and it’s actually been simplicity that’s kept me grounded. Getting rid of a lot of the ‘stuff’ in my house has helped too. I feel a lot lighter.

Who knows what the future will bring, but I feel considerably more positive about it than I did 2 years ago. And for the moment I’m going to sit and watch this tealight finish burning out.

[Last photo is of a stone tealight holder with a tealight burning bright at the end of it’s burning cycle].